The Annual Jashin Followers Festival
by Roxius
Summary: Hidan is invited to go to the annual Jashin Followers Festival, but first, he has to get permission from a parent or guardian...namely, Pain. Please R & R!


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I do not own any bands, visual novels, songs or other real-life things mentioned in this fic either. Ren and Stimpy reference, too.

_Na na na na na na na na  
Na na na na na na na na  
Na na na na na na na na  
Na na na na na na na! _

_Na na na na na na na na  
Na na na na na na na na  
Na na na na na na na na  
Na na na na na na na!_

_This..._

_Is..._

_My..._

_Re..._

_...VENGE!!!_

Not really. :P

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It was well-known throughout the rankings of Akatsuki that Hidan was a devout follower of the Jashin religion. However, no one was really sure if this 'Jashin-sama' was a real religious deity or not or if Hidan was actually just making it all up...at least, not until an invitation to the annual Jashin Followers Festival found its way upon Pain's desk.

"...I need you to sign this, boss, so I can have direct permission to attend the annual Jashin-sama Followers Festival that's coming up this weekend over in the Fire Country!!" Hidan proclaimed at the top of his lungs.

Pain reached into his pocket, put on a pair of reading glasses, and leaned over the desk to get a better look at this invitation. "...It says that Eiffel 65 will be playing there...and several Death Metal groups..."

"I KNOW!! IT SOUNDS FUCKING AWESOME, DOESN'T IT?!!"

"Eiffel 65 broke up several years ago..."

"...Oooooooh...I kinda liked them though...even if they did repeat the same few words over and over in every song they made..."

A tense, awkward silence befell the Akatsuki member and his leader for a few moments.

"Anyway...you just gotta sign this for meh, boss!!" Hidan cried, shoving a pen into Pain's open palm, "I wanna be around people who actually understand what it's like to be a follower of our one and only Lord Jashin-sama, at least just for a little while...!!"

Pain pressed his index finger to his forehead. "Hidan...are you sure this thing is even legit? Kakuzu could just be playing a trick on you with this...you know how much he hates you..."

"Oh, really...?" Despite the wide smile on his face, Hidan's violent words spoke volumes, "If he is, I'll fuckin' tear his nuts off, eat them, throw it up in his throat, cut his stomach open, eat his organs, and then puke in his mouth again!!!"

Considering that the Jashinists believe in 'total slaughter', Pain wouldn't be too surprised if Hidan went through with his promise if this whole festival thing turned out to be just a hoax.

Pain looked over the piece of paper again, his face devoid of all emotion as usual. "You know...even if this IS just a big joke...why the hell should I let you go? I don't like you, and you don't like me. I should be making you travel around the country looking for the other Tailed Beasts right now-"

The orange-haired leader was cut off when Hidan slammed his palms onto the desk, nearly shattering it into splinters in the process. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, GODDAMMIT!!!" he roared, his face red with fury.

"...What don't I understand?"

Hidan instantly calmed down. "Look...I'm tired of playing Katawa Shoujo over and over, man. I...I need to find a REAL crippled girl, and fast...my penis will not last much longer before it too must be sacrificed in the name of the great Jashin-sama!!! Besides possibly swapping e-mail addresses and/or cellphone numbers with some fellow Jashinists, I gotta tap an amputee chick's ass!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME NOW?!!!"

Pain's right eye twitched; he had just heard much more than he ever needed to know about his subordinate.

Getting down on his hands and knees, Hidan bowed his head so low that his forehead pressed up against the dirty floor. "Please, boss," he pleaded quietly, "Sign the permission slip so I may attend the Jashin Followers Festival...or I shall suffer erectile dysfunction for the rest of my immortal life..."

Pain sighed. "...Alright, I'll sign!"

Hidan jumped to his feet and, grinning from ear to ear, exclaimed, "REALLY?!!"

"Yeah...even though I teach through pain, giving a man erectile dysfunction is just an absolute sin in every sense of the word..."

"WOO-HOO!!! I BETTER GO DIG MY 'I LOVE JASHIN-SAMA' T-SHIRT OUTTA THE BACK OF MEH CLOSET THEN!!!" Hidan cackled happily before charging out of the room at full speed. Pain sighed.

'...Would fucking a girl without arms or legs really give him relief? One can only wish...'

* * *

Once all of the forms were signed and mailed, Hidan began packing for his long journey to the valley where the Jashin Followers Festival was to take place. Unfortunately, he was unable to find his 'I LOVE JASHIN-SAMA' T-shirt, so he wore his 'I'LL TEACH YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO SUCK EGGS' T-shirt instead. He also made sure to pack all of his torture weapons, packets of freeze-dried blood, a brochure on how to make Jashin-sama's sacrificial circles, and the two novels he had self-published regarding his life as an immortal Jashinist.

Finally, as Hidan put on his Jashin-sama cap, he turned to face the other Akatsuki members, who had all gathered together to bid him farewell...or at least so they could celebrate about his leaving afterwards.

"So...you're really leaving us, huh, Hidan? You're actually going to go...?" Kakuzu asked, tears welling up in his inky-black charcoal eyes.

"Uh...I'm going to be back in about a week," Hidan pointed out.

"...Oh...really...well, uhhhh...you don't have to come back if you don't want to, you know-" Kakuzu now looked more annoyed than upset.

"I DO want to come back..." Hidan said sternly.

"...Fuck..."

Deidara and Sasori were too busy playing versus mode in Tetris to pay any attention, while Konan was daydreaming about how she and Sakura were so going to get it on tonight. Pain just turned around and walked away. In essence, the only ones who actually seemed to care about Hidan's departure were Itachi and Kisame.

Reaching into his pocket, the large shark man took out a small white i-pod, and tossed it over to Hidan. "Here, buddy...you could use this on your travels,"

Hidan smiled weakly as he stuffed the i-pod into his back pocket. "Thanks...Kisame,"

"If you see Sasuke, tell him that I love him and that I really don't want him to kill me!!!" Itachi added, but Hidan simply ignored him as he picked up his suitcase and headed out the door. Kisame felt like he was going to cry; he had never been a parent before, yet watching Hidan go was almost like watching your 18-year-old child go off to a whole new life at college.

Kisame only sniffled a bit before he immediately broke down into pitiful sobs. Itachi face-palmed on the spot, causing him to collapse backwards.

Soon, the sun set, and Hidan was engulfed in darkness as he continued the beginning trail of his lengthy trek...

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Eruptions, screams, sobs, the blood-curdling screech before having your throat sliced wide open...those were the sounds that filled Hidan's ears. The famous Jashin symbols were everywhere; no matter where you looked, even out of the corner of your eye, you would see it. Hidan clutched a small amputee girl close to his chest as he carefully stepped over the body of yet another man who had been sacrificed to please Jashin-sama. Hidan had never felt more at home in a place like this.

"So...this is the Jashin Followers Festival, huh?"

"Yup...do you like it, Hi-chan?"

"Heh...I sure do...those guys up on stage are really good...I've never seen someone mutilate himself with a spork before..."

"Oh, he's always doing that...but just forget about him for now. Forget about everything...but us."

"Alright...my sweet..."

As they laid together in a pile of rotting corpses, flesh-eating maggots, and dry blood, Hidan and his new-found lover shared a sweet kiss. As Hidan slowly moved in closer to her, wanting nothing more than to 'eat' her right then and there, the wailing voices of the Death Metal bands on stage drowned out the young girl's oncoming cries of ecstasy...

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True to his word, Hidan returned to the Akatsuki hideout a full week later. His beautiful silvery locks had been shaved off, leaving him completely bald. A large Jashin symbol had been carved into the back of his skull, and he looked like he had done nothing but drink heavy alcohol and smoke cocaine since he got there. Even worse, he brought back a girl with him; she had no arms or legs, and her body was covered all over in bloody scars. Hidan himself was also riddled with quite a number of injuries.

The results of the Jashinist man's long trip were so shocking that Pain even accidentally dropped his 'World's Best God' mug on the floor, causing it to shatter into millions of pieces.

"Her name is Lelly...!" Hidan quickly introduced his new girlfriend before rushing upstairs to make love to her. He never was one for saying a simple 'hello', anyway. On his way up the long flight of stairs, Hidan knocked over Kakuzu, who screamed in fury as the piles of money he was carrying fell to the ground, soiling them in the musty filth.

Pain and Konan exchanged nervous glances. "...What the hell just happened here? I mean, that was one quick week that flew by! The author didn't even go into great detail regarding the festival itself!!!" The blue-haired woman quipped.

Pain shook his head in disappointment. "What happened is that the author decided to be a lazy bum...AGAIN."

"Oh...fuck that guy, then..." Konan rolled her eyes.


End file.
